Like 0
Fork 0

Last active 1452739710

YMS srts. These sub files have been checked against the source video on youtube

Steven Smith revised this gist 1452775710. Go to revision

2 files changed, 116 insertions, 1 deletion

aaList.md

@@ -3,4 +3,5 @@ Filelist
3 3
4 4 * [Quickie - Noah](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-noah-srt)
5 5 * [Quickie - Mad Max Fury Road](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-mad-max-fury-road-srt)
6 - * [Cat Grips](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-cat-grips-srt)
6 + * [Cat Grips](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-cat-grips-srt)
7 + * [Saw Review, NotProductive Update](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-saw-review-notproductive-update-srt)

saw-review-notproductive-update.srt(file created)

@@ -0,0 +1,114 @@
1 + 1
2 + 00:00:00,190 --> 00:00:03,760
3 + [YMS] Hey guys, some of you may have already
4 + noticed NotProductive is postponed until November
5 +
6 + 2
7 + 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:07,859
8 + 10th, however I said my review would be available
9 + for you guys to watch on November 2nd, so
10 +
11 + 3
12 + 00:00:07,859 --> 00:00:12,009
13 + what am I doing? I'm saying fuck the release
14 + date, you guys can watch the review on November
15 +
16 + 4
17 + 00:00:12,009 --> 00:00:17,610
18 + 2nd anyway because I fucking care. So click
19 + the link down below, click the link on my
20 +
21 + 5
22 + 00:00:17,610 --> 00:00:21,720
23 + face, click the link wherever you want. Spread
24 + the word, share it if you like it, yada yada.
25 +
26 + 6
27 + 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:25,900
28 + And believe me, I know some of you have your
29 + reservations about me being on the whole
30 +
31 + 7
32 + 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:30,260
33 + NotProductive site to begin with, and some of you think
34 + it's doomed to fail, and if it does fail so
35 +
36 + 8
37 + 00:00:30,260 --> 00:00:34,199
38 + what, I'll still be making reviews. The upside
39 + to me being on the site is that I'll try to
40 +
41 + 9
42 + 00:00:34,199 --> 00:00:38,769
43 + be having a more consistant schedule by doing
44 + it biweekly, so in two weeks time from now
45 +
46 + 10
47 + 00:00:38,769 --> 00:00:44,699
48 + part 2 will be available on NotProductive
49 + and *Skype alert sound* part 1 will be available
50 +
51 + 11
52 + 00:00:44,699 --> 00:00:48,149
53 + on Youtube. That was my Skype, not yours,
54 + don't even check. So if you guys like the
55 +
56 + 12
57 + 00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:52,260
58 + idea of me releasing frequent content and
59 + if you like the idea of me being able to put
60 +
61 + 13
62 + 00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:56,870
63 + more time towards my content, and hopefully,
64 + y'know, run some ads on it through Blip TV
65 +
66 + 14
67 + 00:00:56,870 --> 00:01:01,620
68 + because Youtube won't let me (thanks Youtube,)
69 + then try your darndest to make this successful,
70 +
71 + 15
72 + 00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:05,390
73 + if only for me, and if you don't like anything
74 + else on the site then just watch my videos
75 +
76 + 16
77 + 00:01:05,390 --> 00:01:08,400
78 + there. But I do encourage you to check out
79 + some of the other content creators on the
80 +
81 + 17
82 + 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:12,300
83 + website once it's up, maybe you'll like something.
84 + Remember, if you're helping this website then
85 +
86 + 18
87 + 00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:17,550
88 + you're helping me. If it is a success, then
89 + maybe I can put a dent in these fucking hospital
90 +
91 + 19
92 + 00:01:17,550 --> 00:01:21,190
93 + bills that turned out to be much more expensive
94 + than I originally thought.
95 +
96 + 20
97 + 00:01:21,190 --> 00:01:24,330
98 + (sarcastic) USA! USA!
99 + (normal) Anyway, I love you guys, thank you
100 +
101 + 21
102 + 00:01:24,330 --> 00:01:28,000
103 + for being so patient with me on this, I've
104 + been having to be patient too, and I hope
105 +
106 + 22
107 + 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:33,060
108 + you enjoy part 1 of this almost an hour long
109 + review, it took me a very long time to make
110 +
111 + 23
112 + 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:34,039
113 + and I hope you like it.
114 +

Steven Smith revised this gist 1452774301. Go to revision

2 files changed, 57 insertions, 1 deletion

aaList.md

@@ -2,4 +2,5 @@ Filelist
2 2 ========
3 3
4 4 * [Quickie - Noah](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-noah-srt)
5 - * [Quickie - Mad Max Fury Road](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-mad-max-fury-road-srt)
5 + * [Quickie - Mad Max Fury Road](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-mad-max-fury-road-srt)
6 + * [Cat Grips](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-cat-grips-srt)

cat-grips.srt(file created)

@@ -0,0 +1,55 @@
1 + 1
2 + 00:00:01,410 --> 00:00:07,750
3 + [Cool Cat] Wow! Look at this cool urban feel!
4 + This is how I wanna start my music video!
5 +
6 + 2
7 + 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:15,280
8 + [Death Grips] To get all of the above in a
9 + limited amount of time, I can do this and
10 +
11 + 3
12 + 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:21,040
13 + it's done, Like that we're on our way, Be
14 + it acid on the tongue, Cocaine in your brain,
15 +
16 + 4
17 + 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:28,320
18 + Or some weed that hits your lungs, Like a
19 + runaway train, Hell yeah, from DMT to MDMA,
20 +
21 + 5
22 + 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:32,800
23 + Got all that shit and more, So 'til dawn we're
24 + okay, but anyway
25 +
26 + 6
27 + 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:40,480
28 + [Cool Cat] Wow! That was fun! I hope the kids
29 + love it!
30 +
31 + 7
32 + 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:44,239
33 + [Mama Cat] I bet the kids will boogee to that
34 + song!
35 +
36 + 8
37 + 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:48,160
38 + [Derek] Hey, it was cool, Cool Cat.
39 + [Cool Cat] I didn't know you guys were standing
40 +
41 + 9
42 + 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:53,180
43 + there! And thanks! *laughs*
44 + [Mama Cat] And you'd better get ready, Cool
45 +
46 + 10
47 + 00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:58,540
48 + Cat, it's almost time for the Hollywood Parade!
49 + [Cool Cat] That's right! It is time to pick
50 +
51 + 11
52 + 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:07,280
53 + up the Cool Cat convertible! Yeeeyyeyeyeeeeyay!
54 + [Derek] Have fun, son, all right!
55 +

Steven Smith revised this gist 1452717632. Go to revision

No changes

Steven Smith revised this gist 1452714122. Go to revision

No changes

Steven Smith revised this gist 1452714073. Go to revision

2 files changed, 419 insertions, 1 deletion

aaList.md

@@ -1,4 +1,5 @@
1 1 Filelist
2 2 ========
3 3
4 - * [Quickie - Noah](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-noah-srt)
4 + * [Quickie - Noah](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-noah-srt)
5 + * [Quickie - Mad Max Fury Road](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-mad-max-fury-road-srt)

quickie-mad-max-fury-road.srt(file created)

@@ -0,0 +1,417 @@
1 + 1
2 + 00:00:00,789 --> 00:00:04,910
3 + [YMS] So I just saw Mad Max: Fury Road and
4 + it was a lot of fun. If I were rating this
5 +
6 + 2
7 + 00:00:04,910 --> 00:00:09,090
8 + movie based on how much fun I had I'd be giving
9 + it a nine out of ten. But alas, I rate movies
10 +
11 + 3
12 + 00:00:09,090 --> 00:00:12,889
13 + based on what I feel the quality of the film
14 + is, so no I'm not docking points because I
15 +
16 + 4
17 + 00:00:12,889 --> 00:00:16,880
18 + had fun watching it, I just genuinely feel
19 + as though the movie's a fun seven out of ten.
20 +
21 + 5
22 + 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:20,700
23 + There were a lot of aspects of the film that
24 + were genuinely impressive, the cinematography
25 +
26 + 6
27 + 00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:25,480
28 + was pretty great, the computer generated imagery
29 + was used sparingly, there were some parts
30 +
31 + 7
32 + 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:29,320
33 + that didn't feel visually quite real but for
34 + the most part it wasn't enough to take anybody
35 +
36 + 8
37 + 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:33,720
38 + out of the movie, and most of all it was just
39 + fucking fun! It was like if Death Race 3 wasn't
40 +
41 + 9
42 + 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,880
43 + a massive piece of shit. I'm not going to
44 + complain that there wasn't really much to
45 +
46 + 10
47 + 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,840
48 + the story, because anybody can tell that the
49 + movie wasn't really trying to be heavily story
50 +
51 + 11
52 + 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:45,110
53 + driven. In all honesty if a movie is going
54 + for the cool and fun factor I'd rather have
55 +
56 + 12
57 + 00:00:45,110 --> 00:00:48,620
58 + it be like this one where it doesn't spend
59 + an eternity dicking around in between the
60 +
61 + 13
62 + 00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:53,120
63 + cool and fun scenes. In Mad Max: Fury Road
64 + the story was just enough so that the cool
65 +
66 + 14
67 + 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:57,810
68 + and fun scenes didn't feel stupid and pointless.
69 + I like how over-the-top and ridiculous it
70 +
71 + 15
72 + 00:00:57,810 --> 00:01:01,530
73 + was and I wouldn't want the movie to be any
74 + other way. In fact I hope the next movie goes
75 +
76 + 16
77 + 00:01:01,530 --> 00:01:05,500
78 + even further. Believe it or not I was reminded
79 + of Army of Darkness during the fight scene
80 +
81 + 17
82 + 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,780
83 + with the chain and the struggle for the gun.
84 + There are a few things that irked me about
85 +
86 + 18
87 + 00:01:08,780 --> 00:01:12,120
88 + the presentation of the movie but they were
89 + fairly minimal. There were a few of those
90 +
91 + 19
92 + 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,900
93 + family flashback hallucination shots that
94 + were a little cheesy, and yeah I know we're
95 +
96 + 20
97 + 00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:18,790
98 + talking about the same movie where there's
99 + a dude on top of the car playing electric
100 +
101 + 21
102 + 00:01:18,790 --> 00:01:22,620
103 + guitar riding to his fucking death, but I
104 + think it's important to differentiate between
105 +
106 + 22
107 + 00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:26,520
108 + cheese during something fun and cool, and
109 + cheese during something that's supposed to
110 +
111 + 23
112 + 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:30,310
113 + be dramatic and serious; as someone that does
114 + a lot of editing there were a few things that
115 +
116 + 24
117 + 00:01:30,310 --> 00:01:33,979
118 + were distracting and took me out of the film
119 + for a bit. When slow footage is sped up to
120 +
121 + 25
122 + 00:01:33,979 --> 00:01:38,409
123 + make it look fast some people just see slow
124 + footage sped up to make it look fast. Trust
125 +
126 + 26
127 + 00:01:38,409 --> 00:01:42,610
128 + me it happens more times in this movie than
129 + you think. During some of the dialogue, characters
130 +
131 + 27
132 + 00:01:42,610 --> 00:01:46,630
133 + were basically whispering to each other, but
134 + they're inside a giant moving vehicle, and
135 +
136 + 28
137 + 00:01:46,630 --> 00:01:50,500
138 + there's no shortage of earblasting engine
139 + sounds during scenes where we see the exterior
140 +
141 + 29
142 + 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:54,310
143 + of the vehicles, but during the serious talk
144 + time in the vehicles the volume of the engine
145 +
146 + 30
147 + 00:01:54,310 --> 00:01:57,970
148 + is turned down so low in post that literally
149 + that's all I can think about anymore:
150 +
151 + 31
152 + 00:01:57,970 --> 00:02:03,049
153 + [Clip] I was born there.
154 + [Clip] Why'd you leave?
155 +
156 + 32
157 + 00:02:03,049 --> 00:02:15,680
158 + [Clip] I didn't. I was taken as a child. Stolen.
159 + [YMS] It doesn't destroy the movie, all I'm
160 +
161 + 33
162 + 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:20,069
163 + saying is that when something's in the environment
164 + that's so unironically unnatural, it is a
165 +
166 + 34
167 + 00:02:20,069 --> 00:02:23,799
168 + little distracting. And keeping consistant
169 + with what I said earlier, remember that these
170 +
171 + 35
172 + 00:02:23,799 --> 00:02:28,169
173 + serious talk scenes are supposed to be serious,
174 + meaning that distractions like those wouldn't
175 +
176 + 36
177 + 00:02:28,169 --> 00:02:32,480
178 + be as much of an issue if they were during
179 + the cool and fun scenes. I had the exact same
180 +
181 + 37
182 + 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:36,260
183 + issue in any movie where the characters are
184 + in a supposedly loud club but they don't have
185 +
186 + 38
187 + 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:40,129
188 + to talk over the music. The worst example
189 + I can think of would be from an indie movie
190 +
191 + 39
192 + 00:02:40,129 --> 00:02:43,729
193 + called A Midsummer Night's Rave:
194 + [Clip] I know how thirsty aspiring DJ's can
195 +
196 + 40
197 + 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:52,760
198 + get.
199 + [Clip] Thank you [inaudible]
200 +
201 + 41
202 + 00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:58,359
203 + [YMS] The best example I could think of would
204 + be from David Fincher's The Social Network:
205 +
206 + 42
207 + 00:02:58,359 --> 00:03:00,169
208 + [Clip] You ever think about that girl?
209 + [Clip] What girl?
210 +
211 + 43
212 + 00:03:00,169 --> 00:03:05,480
213 + [Clip] The girl from high school who was with
214 + the lacrosse thing.
215 +
216 + 44
217 + 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:08,749
218 + [Clip] No.
219 + [YMS] When a director has that much forethought to
220 +
221 + 45
222 + 00:03:08,749 --> 00:03:14,109
223 + get the actors to shout in a silent room before the audio
224 + is added in in post production, it impresses
225 +
226 + 46
227 + 00:03:14,109 --> 00:03:18,069
228 + me enough to be giving the movie extra points.
229 + And remember that a perfect ten rating is
230 +
231 + 47
232 + 00:03:18,069 --> 00:03:22,400
233 + not a default that only goes lower if you
234 + find issues with the movie, a default rating
235 +
236 + 48
237 + 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:26,849
238 + for me is five out of ten and then any achievements
239 + that a film has to offer bring it higher.
240 +
241 + 49
242 + 00:03:26,849 --> 00:03:30,609
243 + And I've gotta say I was impressed by what
244 + the film had to offer. Having seen the first
245 +
246 + 50
247 + 00:03:30,609 --> 00:03:35,510
248 + two Mad Max a long time ago, this one was
249 + a lot more entertaining. If there's one thing
250 +
251 + 51
252 + 00:03:35,510 --> 00:03:39,519
253 + I remember about those older ones, it's that
254 + they had a much slower pace. That and the
255 +
256 + 52
257 + 00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:44,430
258 + villains were comically homosexual. Should
259 + society get enraged over the sexual orientation
260 +
261 + 53
262 + 00:03:44,430 --> 00:03:48,970
263 + or gender of the villains or heroes? No. I
264 + honestly wish I could have watched Mad Max:
265 +
266 + 54
267 + 00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:53,370
268 + Fury Road without all of those clickbait websites
269 + making a big fuss over the character's genders,
270 +
271 + 55
272 + 00:03:53,370 --> 00:03:57,109
273 + because to me this movie had nothing to do
274 + with gender issues at all. You could have
275 +
276 + 56
277 + 00:03:57,109 --> 00:04:00,969
278 + swapped the genders of literally every character
279 + except the pregnant one and I wouldn't have
280 +
281 + 57
282 + 00:04:00,969 --> 00:04:05,319
283 + felt any different about the movie. Having
284 + a specific gender or sexual orientation being
285 +
286 + 58
287 + 00:04:05,319 --> 00:04:09,109
288 + portrayed in a positive or negative light
289 + in a film might affect me more if it was,
290 +
291 + 59
292 + 00:04:09,109 --> 00:04:13,719
293 + hm, I don't know, not set in a post-apocalyptic
294 + fantasy world where everyone including the
295 +
296 + 60
297 + 00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:18,500
298 + main character has lost their fucking minds?
299 + A group of men or a group of women or a group
300 +
301 + 61
302 + 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:22,820
303 + of gay people should not be taken as an accurate
304 + reflection of society. They're just these
305 +
306 + 62
307 + 00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:27,330
308 + things called "characters", and while it is
309 + possible that George Miller wrote this screenplay
310 +
311 + 63
312 + 00:04:27,330 --> 00:04:31,730
313 + with the explicit intent of painting certain
314 + genders in certain lights, at no point did
315 +
316 + 64
317 + 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:35,690
318 + it feel forced and out of place. Why don't
319 + we just view people as human beings again?
320 +
321 + 65
322 + 00:04:35,690 --> 00:04:39,280
323 + Oh right, it's because anger sells and the
324 + one way to get everybody arguing at each other
325 +
326 + 66
327 + 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:43,530
328 + over something is to turn it into a gender
329 + issue, I forgot. And yes the clickbait websites
330 +
331 + 67
332 + 00:04:43,530 --> 00:04:47,430
333 + are just as guilty as the idiot they were
334 + quoting, who by the way never actually saw
335 +
336 + 68
337 + 00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:51,650
338 + the movie before writing it. You realise you
339 + can find people saying stupid shit about anything
340 +
341 + 69
342 + 00:04:51,650 --> 00:04:55,340
343 + on the Internet, and that by putting them
344 + on a pedestal you're essentially generating
345 +
346 + 70
347 + 00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:59,410
348 + the controversy yourselves? Doesn't matter,
349 + money. Gender debates are the new big thing
350 +
351 + 71
352 + 00:04:59,410 --> 00:05:02,970
353 + right now, so we'll jump on literally any
354 + opportunity to get you fired up about them
355 +
356 + 72
357 + 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:06,990
358 + so you'll share the link and give us money.
359 + When I have criticisms to make about a film,
360 +
361 + 73
362 + 00:05:06,990 --> 00:05:11,650
363 + I try to keep my criticisms in line with filmmaking
364 + and presentation. Have we forgotten how to
365 +
366 + 74
367 + 00:05:11,650 --> 00:05:15,400
368 + do that? Anyway, forgive me for making that
369 + last part of my review moreso a review on
370 +
371 + 75
372 + 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:19,690
373 + other peoples' reviews; overall I really liked
374 + Mad Max. I think that seven out of ten is
375 +
376 + 76
377 + 00:05:19,690 --> 00:05:23,670
378 + a reasonable rating to give it. Who knows,
379 + I might even bump it up to an eight the next
380 +
381 + 77
382 + 00:05:23,670 --> 00:05:27,320
383 + time I see it. If you watched the trailer
384 + and think that looks like a lot of fun, then you'll
385 +
386 + 78
387 + 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:31,630
388 + probably have a lot of fun. It was a lot of
389 + fun. It was like an amusement park ride. It
390 +
391 + 79
392 + 00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:37,460
393 + was like riding the fun coaster in fun land.
394 + It was a hot fun sundae. Fun fun, fun fun
395 +
396 + 80
397 + 00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:44,670
398 + fun fun fun. It was fun. Mad Max: Fun Road:
399 + fun out of ten. Fun fun fun, fun fun! Fun
400 +
401 + 81
402 + 00:05:44,670 --> 00:05:51,710
403 + fun fun fun fun. Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
404 + Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
405 +
406 + 82
407 + 00:05:51,710 --> 00:05:59,230
408 + Subtitles by Steven Smith (blha303/suudo)
409 +
410 + 83
411 + 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,000
412 + mark ;_;
413 +
414 + 84
415 + 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:08,500
416 + wtf laugh
417 +

Steven Smith revised this gist 1452708856. Go to revision

1 file changed, 4 insertions

aaList.md(file created)

@@ -0,0 +1,4 @@
1 + Filelist
2 + ========
3 +
4 + * [Quickie - Noah](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-noah-srt)

Steven Smith revised this gist 1452708708. Go to revision

1 file changed, 449 insertions

quickie-noah.srt(file created)

@@ -0,0 +1,449 @@
1 + 1
2 + 00:00:00,789 --> 00:00:04,170
3 + [YMS] Okay, fun's over. So if you're one of those
4 + people like me who saw the trailer and thought
5 +
6 + 2
7 + 00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:07,500
8 + "Hm, that's weird, it kinda looks like a piece
9 + of shit" but still wanted to see the movie
10 +
11 + 3
12 + 00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:11,280
13 + just because it's Darren Aronofsky, all the
14 + while hoping the trailer was just a way to
15 +
16 + 4
17 + 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,589
18 + trick the religious crowd into seeing the
19 + movie, and that secretly there was a movie
20 +
21 + 5
22 + 00:00:14,589 --> 00:00:18,149
23 + worth watching that wasn't the same garbage
24 + you've already seen a million times before,
25 +
26 + 6
27 + 00:00:18,149 --> 00:00:21,970
28 + well, wonder no more because the movie was
29 + slightly worse than the trailer. I mean, you're
30 +
31 + 7
32 + 00:00:21,970 --> 00:00:25,980
33 + already working with a flawed story to begin
34 + with; what happened to the kangaroos? Where
35 +
36 + 8
37 + 00:00:25,980 --> 00:00:30,660
38 + do black people come from? And despite them
39 + making a lot of changes to the original story,
40 +
41 + 9
42 + 00:00:30,660 --> 00:00:35,120
43 + it didn't really do them any good. Like, why
44 + is the grandfather a wizard? Anthony Hopkins
45 +
46 + 10
47 + 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:38,960
48 + had magical powers and I had first assumed
49 + that they were kinda like God powers, like
50 +
51 + 11
52 + 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,290
53 + God loves him so much that every time he really
54 + wants to do something God's just allowing
55 +
56 + 12
57 + 00:00:43,290 --> 00:00:46,740
58 + it and just doing a little magic trick for
59 + him. At one point he puts a child to sleep
60 +
61 + 13
62 + 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:51,070
63 + by blowing on his face, possibly the funniest
64 + point in the whole movie, then later he touches
65 +
66 + 14
67 + 00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:55,670
68 + Emma Watson's previously infertile belly,
69 + making her instantly able to have children
70 +
71 + 15
72 + 00:00:55,670 --> 00:00:59,430
73 + and also extremely horny. Like she was in
74 + the middle of looking for somebody but she
75 +
76 + 16
77 + 00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:03,350
78 + completely fucking dropped that and decided
79 + to have sex with her boyfriend, and then later
80 +
81 + 17
82 + 00:01:03,350 --> 00:01:08,080
83 + in the movie when Noah finds out he gets super
84 + fucking pissed. No, not because they had sex,
85 +
86 + 18
87 + 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:12,970
88 + but because she is no longer infertile. He's
89 + like "God made you infertile, so now that
90 +
91 + 19
92 + 00:01:12,970 --> 00:01:16,530
93 + you're fertile, then you're going against
94 + God." I don't really feel bad about spoiling
95 +
96 + 20
97 + 00:01:16,530 --> 00:01:20,400
98 + this movie cos it's a giant piece of shit,
99 + but here's my spoiler alert anyway. Giving
100 +
101 + 21
102 + 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:25,360
103 + you like two more seconds, go, God. He gets
104 + so pissed off that she's having children that
105 +
106 + 22
107 + 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:30,240
108 + he vows to murder the child as soon as it's
109 + born, but only if it's a girl, and they really
110 +
111 + 23
112 + 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,380
113 + really did not do a good job of explaining
114 + why that's the case. "You're going against
115 +
116 + 24
117 + 00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:38,750
118 + God by having children because you were previously
119 + infertile, now I gotta murder your child,
120 +
121 + 25
122 + 00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:42,380
123 + but if it's a boy I don't really care." So
124 + does that mean the grandfather's a wizard
125 +
126 + 26
127 + 00:01:42,380 --> 00:01:46,280
128 + whose magic operates completely independent
129 + of God? Because there's no way that he could
130 +
131 + 27
132 + 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:50,290
133 + possibly believe that it was against God's
134 + will if God was the one doing the magic from
135 +
136 + 28
137 + 00:01:50,290 --> 00:01:55,220
138 + grandfather anyway. This movie does not make
139 + any fucking sense. There were a couple things
140 +
141 + 29
142 + 00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:59,630
143 + that I did enjoy about the movie. There are
144 + some really cool timelapse scenes that I enjoyed,
145 +
146 + 30
147 + 00:01:59,630 --> 00:02:03,560
148 + and during one of them Clint Mansell did a
149 + fantastic job with the score, but this movie
150 +
151 + 31
152 + 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:08,030
153 + has way too much weighing it down. Like, during
154 + the last timelapse scene in the movie for
155 +
156 + 32
157 + 00:02:08,030 --> 00:02:13,049
158 + whatever reason it decided to show evolution,
159 + like it showed the typical fish-to-lizard-out-of-the-ocean
160 +
161 + 33
162 + 00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:16,450
163 + etcetera, and then as soon as it hit primates
164 + it just stopped. Like, sorry we're not allowed
165 +
166 + 34
167 + 00:02:16,450 --> 00:02:20,749
168 + to show you any further. And that scene served
169 + no purpose so I have no clue why he decided
170 +
171 + 35
172 + 00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:24,499
173 + to put that in the movie, because aren't you
174 + then alienating the people that might actually
175 +
176 + 36
177 + 00:02:24,499 --> 00:02:29,239
178 + enjoy the movie? Like who the fuck is this
179 + movie even for? They also included giant rock
180 +
181 + 37
182 + 00:02:29,239 --> 00:02:33,719
183 + creatures that helped Noah build the ark.
184 + Oookay. Most of the conflict in the movie
185 +
186 + 38
187 + 00:02:33,719 --> 00:02:38,459
188 + was not only extremely forced but easily preventable.
189 + Like all of a sudden somebody's angry and
190 +
191 + 39
192 + 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:42,419
193 + it's really difficult to understand why. Not
194 + only that but the threat of the main villain
195 +
196 + 40
197 + 00:02:42,419 --> 00:02:47,150
198 + and his army wouldn't even fucking exist if
199 + Noah flat-out just didn't fucking tell him
200 +
201 + 41
202 + 00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:50,799
203 + that the flood was going to happen. The guy
204 + thought you were building a fortress and you
205 +
206 + 42
207 + 00:02:50,799 --> 00:02:54,639
208 + told him "No, it's a boat, this is the flood
209 + and I'm gonna be the one that lives and not
210 +
211 + 43
212 + 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:58,049
213 + you, nyah nyah." Hey Noah you fucking hypocrite,
214 + what's that you're flipping your shit over,
215 +
216 + 44
217 + 00:02:58,049 --> 00:03:02,199
218 + doing shit against God's will, oh my god,
219 + God didn't intend that. So Emma Watson's not
220 +
221 + 45
222 + 00:03:02,199 --> 00:03:06,239
223 + allowed to use the grandfather wizard powers
224 + so she can become fertile and have children,
225 +
226 + 46
227 + 00:03:06,239 --> 00:03:09,489
228 + and maybe y'know repopulate the entire fucking
229 + planet through incest like you're supposed
230 +
231 + 47
232 + 00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:12,760
233 + to, but you see no issue with warning the
234 + head honcho of bad guys that there's going
235 +
236 + 48
237 + 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:16,939
238 + to be a fucking great flood? Did God tell you to do
239 + that? Cos God had the opportunity to tell
240 +
241 + 49
242 + 00:03:16,939 --> 00:03:20,779
243 + him too and you know what, he fucking didn't.
244 + How the fuck did the bad guy get in the ship?
245 +
246 + 50
247 + 00:03:20,779 --> 00:03:24,439
248 + Like there was just a quick shot of him falling
249 + into it but I don't know where the fuck that
250 +
251 + 51
252 + 00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:29,219
253 + was. So you've got Mr Stereotype Bad Guy on
254 + the ship and Noah's son helps him survive,
255 +
256 + 52
257 + 00:03:29,219 --> 00:03:32,730
258 + and they're still on the ship about nine months
259 + later, because Emma Watson winds up giving
260 +
261 + 53
262 + 00:03:32,730 --> 00:03:36,839
263 + birth on the ship before the end of it, and
264 + holy shit she does not act like the baby weighs
265 +
266 + 54
267 + 00:03:36,839 --> 00:03:40,629
268 + anything at all. Seriously it's like she had
269 + a fucking balloon under her shirt. So the
270 +
271 + 55
272 + 00:03:40,629 --> 00:03:45,199
273 + bad guy picks a really convenient day to strike,
274 + they have a shitty close shot fight scene,
275 +
276 + 56
277 + 00:03:45,199 --> 00:03:49,120
278 + and this whole time this guy's like "I'm not
279 + afraid of miracles, haha, fuck you God," like
280 +
281 + 57
282 + 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:53,189
283 + clearly this guy does not understand how miracles
284 + work; and wow, the boat conveniently crashes
285 +
286 + 58
287 + 00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:57,489
288 + in a way that turns out to be in Noah's favour.
289 + Thanks for the miracle, God. I mean it would
290 +
291 + 59
292 + 00:03:57,489 --> 00:04:01,180
293 + have been extremely easy for him to die when
294 + he was climbing into the boat in the first
295 +
296 + 60
297 + 00:04:01,180 --> 00:04:05,040
298 + place, but let's just pretend that this God
299 + character not only rigs the outcome, but is
300 +
301 + 61
302 + 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:10,219
303 + also extremely concerned about making a stereotypical
304 + narrative. Like why would I kill him when
305 +
306 + 62
307 + 00:04:10,219 --> 00:04:13,919
308 + it makes the most sense if they don't get
309 + to have a fight scene by the end of it? There
310 +
311 + 63
312 + 00:04:13,919 --> 00:04:17,920
313 + was nothing exceptional about this movie and
314 + quite a lot of it was pretty fucking bad.
315 +
316 + 64
317 + 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:22,110
318 + Like holy shit those font choices were terrible.
319 + It's like if someone did a low-budget parody
320 +
321 + 65
322 + 00:04:22,110 --> 00:04:26,710
323 + of Lord of the Rings. All of the CG was pretty
324 + fucking unconvincing; like yeah obviously
325 +
326 + 66
327 + 00:04:26,710 --> 00:04:30,650
328 + all of the animals are going to be CG, but
329 + why did you feel the need to computer animate
330 +
331 + 67
332 + 00:04:30,650 --> 00:04:35,010
333 + the fucking baby? "Oh no, I feel so scared
334 + for this computer animated baby right now."
335 +
336 + 68
337 + 00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:38,230
338 + Literally he goes up to her to kill it and
339 + then he's like "Changed my mind, it's cute."
340 +
341 + 69
342 + 00:04:38,230 --> 00:04:42,090
343 + And then later Emma Watson's talking about
344 + it nonchalantly like "You know what, God trusted
345 +
346 + 70
347 + 00:04:42,090 --> 00:04:46,350
348 + you with the choice to do it, and it wasn't
349 + something that he expected you to do, he just
350 +
351 + 71
352 + 00:04:46,350 --> 00:04:49,470
353 + wanted you to make the choice." Well that's
354 + a nice way to put it, maybe you should have
355 +
356 + 72
357 + 00:04:49,470 --> 00:04:53,560
358 + had this conversation with him at some point
359 + in the nine fucking months before your child
360 +
361 + 73
362 + 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,610
363 + was born. And there's a scene near the beginning
364 + when Noah's talking to the rock dude, it keeps
365 +
366 + 74
367 + 00:04:57,610 --> 00:05:01,340
368 + cutting back and forth from the rock dude's
369 + face to Noah's, but every time it cuts back
370 +
371 + 75
372 + 00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:05,650
373 + to Noah it's closer to his face, but instead
374 + of putting the camera closer or even using
375 +
376 + 76
377 + 00:05:05,650 --> 00:05:09,830
378 + the zoom on the lens, they decided to go the
379 + easy way and just use fucking digital post
380 +
381 + 77
382 + 00:05:09,830 --> 00:05:13,590
383 + production zoom. Like they seriously fucking
384 + cropped it. And each time it cuts back to
385 +
386 + 78
387 + 00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:17,500
388 + his face you see more and more pixels. Like
389 + what the fuck, aren't you supposed to be a
390 +
391 + 79
392 + 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:21,130
393 + professional? Well it was at least exciting
394 + to see the outcome of what this movie would
395 +
396 + 80
397 + 00:05:21,130 --> 00:05:24,860
398 + be, but about five minutes into the movie
399 + when I was absolutely sure, all of a sudden
400 +
401 + 81
402 + 00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:29,370
403 + the idea of finishing the movie seemed like
404 + kind of a chore, and a chore it was. Yes,
405 +
406 + 82
407 + 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:33,130
408 + parts of the movie were so bad that they were
409 + hilarious, Anthony Hopkins putting that kid
410 +
411 + 83
412 + 00:05:33,130 --> 00:05:36,860
413 + to sleep by blowing on his face will be funny
414 + to me for quite some time, but it's just not
415 +
416 + 84
417 + 00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:40,580
418 + worth it to sit through the whole movie just
419 + to laugh at a couple points. The majority
420 +
421 + 85
422 + 00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:43,670
423 + of the dialogue could have been replaced by
424 + random gibberish and it would have had just
425 +
426 + 86
427 + 00:05:43,670 --> 00:05:47,970
428 + as much purpose in the film. For whatever
429 + reason Aronofsky just decided to make a really
430 +
431 + 87
432 + 00:05:47,970 --> 00:05:52,070
433 + shitty movie, and sadly it's probably going
434 + to be his most financially successful movie
435 +
436 + 88
437 + 00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:55,800
438 + yet. Anyway, if you trust me on anything,
439 + trust me when I say you do not need to see
440 +
441 + 89
442 + 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,420
443 + this movie. This one's getting a five out
444 + of ten.
445 +
446 + 90
447 + 00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:13,340
448 + Subtitles by Steven Smith (blha303/suudo)
449 +
Newer Older

Powered by Opengist ⋅ Load: 85ms⋅

English