Filelist ======== * [Quickie - Noah](https://gist.github.com/blha303/483d5d344cf2e4876c01#file-quickie-noah-srt)

1 00:00:00,789 --> 00:00:04,170 [YMS] Okay, fun's over. So if you're one of those people like me who saw the trailer and thought 2 00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:07,500 "Hm, that's weird, it kinda looks like a piece of shit" but still wanted to see the movie 3 00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:11,280 just because it's Darren Aronofsky, all the while hoping the trailer was just a way to 4 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,589 trick the religious crowd into seeing the movie, and that secretly there was a movie 5 00:00:14,589 --> 00:00:18,149 worth watching that wasn't the same garbage you've already seen a million times before, 6 00:00:18,149 --> 00:00:21,970 well, wonder no more because the movie was slightly worse than the trailer. I mean, you're 7 00:00:21,970 --> 00:00:25,980 already working with a flawed story to begin with; what happened to the kangaroos? Where 8 00:00:25,980 --> 00:00:30,660 do black people come from? And despite them making a lot of changes to the original story, 9 00:00:30,660 --> 00:00:35,120 it didn't really do them any good. Like, why is the grandfather a wizard? Anthony Hopkins 10 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:38,960 had magical powers and I had first assumed that they were kinda like God powers, like 11 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,290 God loves him so much that every time he really wants to do something God's just allowing 12 00:00:43,290 --> 00:00:46,740 it and just doing a little magic trick for him. At one point he puts a child to sleep 13 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:51,070 by blowing on his face, possibly the funniest point in the whole movie, then later he touches 14 00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:55,670 Emma Watson's previously infertile belly, making her instantly able to have children 15 00:00:55,670 --> 00:00:59,430 and also extremely horny. Like she was in the middle of looking for somebody but she 16 00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:03,350 completely fucking dropped that and decided to have sex with her boyfriend, and then later 17 00:01:03,350 --> 00:01:08,080 in the movie when Noah finds out he gets super fucking pissed. No, not because they had sex, 18 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:12,970 but because she is no longer infertile. He's like "God made you infertile, so now that 19 00:01:12,970 --> 00:01:16,530 you're fertile, then you're going against God." I don't really feel bad about spoiling 20 00:01:16,530 --> 00:01:20,400 this movie cos it's a giant piece of shit, but here's my spoiler alert anyway. Giving 21 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:25,360 you like two more seconds, go, God. He gets so pissed off that she's having children that 22 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:30,240 he vows to murder the child as soon as it's born, but only if it's a girl, and they really 23 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,380 really did not do a good job of explaining why that's the case. "You're going against 24 00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:38,750 God by having children because you were previously infertile, now I gotta murder your child, 25 00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:42,380 but if it's a boy I don't really care." So does that mean the grandfather's a wizard 26 00:01:42,380 --> 00:01:46,280 whose magic operates completely independent of God? Because there's no way that he could 27 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:50,290 possibly believe that it was against God's will if God was the one doing the magic from 28 00:01:50,290 --> 00:01:55,220 grandfather anyway. This movie does not make any fucking sense. There were a couple things 29 00:01:55,220 --> 00:01:59,630 that I did enjoy about the movie. There are some really cool timelapse scenes that I enjoyed, 30 00:01:59,630 --> 00:02:03,560 and during one of them Clint Mansell did a fantastic job with the score, but this movie 31 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:08,030 has way too much weighing it down. Like, during the last timelapse scene in the movie for 32 00:02:08,030 --> 00:02:13,049 whatever reason it decided to show evolution, like it showed the typical fish-to-lizard-out-of-the-ocean 33 00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:16,450 etcetera, and then as soon as it hit primates it just stopped. Like, sorry we're not allowed 34 00:02:16,450 --> 00:02:20,749 to show you any further. And that scene served no purpose so I have no clue why he decided 35 00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:24,499 to put that in the movie, because aren't you then alienating the people that might actually 36 00:02:24,499 --> 00:02:29,239 enjoy the movie? Like who the fuck is this movie even for? They also included giant rock 37 00:02:29,239 --> 00:02:33,719 creatures that helped Noah build the ark. Oookay. Most of the conflict in the movie 38 00:02:33,719 --> 00:02:38,459 was not only extremely forced but easily preventable. Like all of a sudden somebody's angry and 39 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:42,419 it's really difficult to understand why. Not only that but the threat of the main villain 40 00:02:42,419 --> 00:02:47,150 and his army wouldn't even fucking exist if Noah flat-out just didn't fucking tell him 41 00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:50,799 that the flood was going to happen. The guy thought you were building a fortress and you 42 00:02:50,799 --> 00:02:54,639 told him "No, it's a boat, this is the flood and I'm gonna be the one that lives and not 43 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:58,049 you, nyah nyah." Hey Noah you fucking hypocrite, what's that you're flipping your shit over, 44 00:02:58,049 --> 00:03:02,199 doing shit against God's will, oh my god, God didn't intend that. So Emma Watson's not 45 00:03:02,199 --> 00:03:06,239 allowed to use the grandfather wizard powers so she can become fertile and have children, 46 00:03:06,239 --> 00:03:09,489 and maybe y'know repopulate the entire fucking planet through incest like you're supposed 47 00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:12,760 to, but you see no issue with warning the head honcho of bad guys that there's going 48 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:16,939 to be a fucking great flood? Did God tell you to do that? Cos God had the opportunity to tell 49 00:03:16,939 --> 00:03:20,779 him too and you know what, he fucking didn't. How the fuck did the bad guy get in the ship? 50 00:03:20,779 --> 00:03:24,439 Like there was just a quick shot of him falling into it but I don't know where the fuck that 51 00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:29,219 was. So you've got Mr Stereotype Bad Guy on the ship and Noah's son helps him survive, 52 00:03:29,219 --> 00:03:32,730 and they're still on the ship about nine months later, because Emma Watson winds up giving 53 00:03:32,730 --> 00:03:36,839 birth on the ship before the end of it, and holy shit she does not act like the baby weighs 54 00:03:36,839 --> 00:03:40,629 anything at all. Seriously it's like she had a fucking balloon under her shirt. So the 55 00:03:40,629 --> 00:03:45,199 bad guy picks a really convenient day to strike, they have a shitty close shot fight scene, 56 00:03:45,199 --> 00:03:49,120 and this whole time this guy's like "I'm not afraid of miracles, haha, fuck you God," like 57 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:53,189 clearly this guy does not understand how miracles work; and wow, the boat conveniently crashes 58 00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:57,489 in a way that turns out to be in Noah's favour. Thanks for the miracle, God. I mean it would 59 00:03:57,489 --> 00:04:01,180 have been extremely easy for him to die when he was climbing into the boat in the first 60 00:04:01,180 --> 00:04:05,040 place, but let's just pretend that this God character not only rigs the outcome, but is 61 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:10,219 also extremely concerned about making a stereotypical narrative. Like why would I kill him when 62 00:04:10,219 --> 00:04:13,919 it makes the most sense if they don't get to have a fight scene by the end of it? There 63 00:04:13,919 --> 00:04:17,920 was nothing exceptional about this movie and quite a lot of it was pretty fucking bad. 64 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:22,110 Like holy shit those font choices were terrible. It's like if someone did a low-budget parody 65 00:04:22,110 --> 00:04:26,710 of Lord of the Rings. All of the CG was pretty fucking unconvincing; like yeah obviously 66 00:04:26,710 --> 00:04:30,650 all of the animals are going to be CG, but why did you feel the need to computer animate 67 00:04:30,650 --> 00:04:35,010 the fucking baby? "Oh no, I feel so scared for this computer animated baby right now." 68 00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:38,230 Literally he goes up to her to kill it and then he's like "Changed my mind, it's cute." 69 00:04:38,230 --> 00:04:42,090 And then later Emma Watson's talking about it nonchalantly like "You know what, God trusted 70 00:04:42,090 --> 00:04:46,350 you with the choice to do it, and it wasn't something that he expected you to do, he just 71 00:04:46,350 --> 00:04:49,470 wanted you to make the choice." Well that's a nice way to put it, maybe you should have 72 00:04:49,470 --> 00:04:53,560 had this conversation with him at some point in the nine fucking months before your child 73 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,610 was born. And there's a scene near the beginning when Noah's talking to the rock dude, it keeps 74 00:04:57,610 --> 00:05:01,340 cutting back and forth from the rock dude's face to Noah's, but every time it cuts back 75 00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:05,650 to Noah it's closer to his face, but instead of putting the camera closer or even using 76 00:05:05,650 --> 00:05:09,830 the zoom on the lens, they decided to go the easy way and just use fucking digital post 77 00:05:09,830 --> 00:05:13,590 production zoom. Like they seriously fucking cropped it. And each time it cuts back to 78 00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:17,500 his face you see more and more pixels. Like what the fuck, aren't you supposed to be a 79 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:21,130 professional? Well it was at least exciting to see the outcome of what this movie would 80 00:05:21,130 --> 00:05:24,860 be, but about five minutes into the movie when I was absolutely sure, all of a sudden 81 00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:29,370 the idea of finishing the movie seemed like kind of a chore, and a chore it was. Yes, 82 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:33,130 parts of the movie were so bad that they were hilarious, Anthony Hopkins putting that kid 83 00:05:33,130 --> 00:05:36,860 to sleep by blowing on his face will be funny to me for quite some time, but it's just not 84 00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:40,580 worth it to sit through the whole movie just to laugh at a couple points. The majority 85 00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:43,670 of the dialogue could have been replaced by random gibberish and it would have had just 86 00:05:43,670 --> 00:05:47,970 as much purpose in the film. For whatever reason Aronofsky just decided to make a really 87 00:05:47,970 --> 00:05:52,070 shitty movie, and sadly it's probably going to be his most financially successful movie 88 00:05:52,070 --> 00:05:55,800 yet. Anyway, if you trust me on anything, trust me when I say you do not need to see 89 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,420 this movie. This one's getting a five out of ten. 90 00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:13,340 Subtitles by Steven Smith (blha303/suudo)