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[YMS] Okay, fun's over. So if you're one of those
people like me who saw the trailer and thought

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"Hm, that's weird, it kinda looks like a piece
of shit" but still wanted to see the movie

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just because it's Darren Aronofsky, all the
while hoping the trailer was just a way to

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trick the religious crowd into seeing the
movie, and that secretly there was a movie

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worth watching that wasn't the same garbage
you've already seen a million times before,

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well, wonder no more because the movie was
slightly worse than the trailer. I mean, you're

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already working with a flawed story to begin
with; what happened to the kangaroos? Where

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do black people come from? And despite them
making a lot of changes to the original story,

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it didn't really do them any good. Like, why
is the grandfather a wizard? Anthony Hopkins

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had magical powers and I had first assumed
that they were kinda like God powers, like

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God loves him so much that every time he really
wants to do something God's just allowing

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it and just doing a little magic trick for
him. At one point he puts a child to sleep

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by blowing on his face, possibly the funniest
point in the whole movie, then later he touches

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Emma Watson's previously infertile belly,
making her instantly able to have children

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and also extremely horny. Like she was in
the middle of looking for somebody but she

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completely fucking dropped that and decided
to have sex with her boyfriend, and then later

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in the movie when Noah finds out he gets super
fucking pissed. No, not because they had sex,

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but because she is no longer infertile. He's
like "God made you infertile, so now that

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you're fertile, then you're going against
God." I don't really feel bad about spoiling

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this movie cos it's a giant piece of shit,
but here's my spoiler alert anyway. Giving

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you like two more seconds, go, God. He gets
so pissed off that she's having children that

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he vows to murder the child as soon as it's
born, but only if it's a girl, and they really

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really did not do a good job of explaining
why that's the case. "You're going against

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God by having children because you were previously
infertile, now I gotta murder your child,

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but if it's a boy I don't really care." So
does that mean the grandfather's a wizard

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whose magic operates completely independent
of God? Because there's no way that he could

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possibly believe that it was against God's
will if God was the one doing the magic from

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grandfather anyway. This movie does not make
any fucking sense. There were a couple things

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that I did enjoy about the movie. There are
some really cool timelapse scenes that I enjoyed,

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and during one of them Clint Mansell did a
fantastic job with the score, but this movie

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has way too much weighing it down. Like, during
the last timelapse scene in the movie for

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whatever reason it decided to show evolution,
like it showed the typical fish-to-lizard-out-of-the-ocean

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etcetera, and then as soon as it hit primates
it just stopped. Like, sorry we're not allowed

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to show you any further. And that scene served
no purpose so I have no clue why he decided

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to put that in the movie, because aren't you
then alienating the people that might actually

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enjoy the movie? Like who the fuck is this
movie even for? They also included giant rock

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creatures that helped Noah build the ark.
Oookay. Most of the conflict in the movie

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was not only extremely forced but easily preventable.
Like all of a sudden somebody's angry and

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it's really difficult to understand why. Not
only that but the threat of the main villain

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and his army wouldn't even fucking exist if
Noah flat-out just didn't fucking tell him

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that the flood was going to happen. The guy
thought you were building a fortress and you

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told him "No, it's a boat, this is the flood
and I'm gonna be the one that lives and not

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you, nyah nyah." Hey Noah you fucking hypocrite,
what's that you're flipping your shit over,

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doing shit against God's will, oh my god,
God didn't intend that. So Emma Watson's not

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allowed to use the grandfather wizard powers
so she can become fertile and have children,

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and maybe y'know repopulate the entire fucking
planet through incest like you're supposed

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to, but you see no issue with warning the
head honcho of bad guys that there's going

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to be a fucking great flood? Did God tell you to do
that? Cos God had the opportunity to tell

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him too and you know what, he fucking didn't.
How the fuck did the bad guy get in the ship?

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Like there was just a quick shot of him falling
into it but I don't know where the fuck that

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was. So you've got Mr Stereotype Bad Guy on
the ship and Noah's son helps him survive,

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and they're still on the ship about nine months
later, because Emma Watson winds up giving

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birth on the ship before the end of it, and
holy shit she does not act like the baby weighs

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anything at all. Seriously it's like she had
a fucking balloon under her shirt. So the

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bad guy picks a really convenient day to strike,
they have a shitty close shot fight scene,

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and this whole time this guy's like "I'm not
afraid of miracles, haha, fuck you God," like

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clearly this guy does not understand how miracles
work; and wow, the boat conveniently crashes

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in a way that turns out to be in Noah's favour.
Thanks for the miracle, God. I mean it would

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have been extremely easy for him to die when
he was climbing into the boat in the first

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place, but let's just pretend that this God
character not only rigs the outcome, but is

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also extremely concerned about making a stereotypical
narrative. Like why would I kill him when

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it makes the most sense if they don't get
to have a fight scene by the end of it? There

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was nothing exceptional about this movie and
quite a lot of it was pretty fucking bad.

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Like holy shit those font choices were terrible.
It's like if someone did a low-budget parody

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of Lord of the Rings. All of the CG was pretty
fucking unconvincing; like yeah obviously

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all of the animals are going to be CG, but
why did you feel the need to computer animate

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the fucking baby? "Oh no, I feel so scared
for this computer animated baby right now."

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Literally he goes up to her to kill it and
then he's like "Changed my mind, it's cute."

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And then later Emma Watson's talking about
it nonchalantly like "You know what, God trusted

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you with the choice to do it, and it wasn't
something that he expected you to do, he just

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wanted you to make the choice." Well that's
a nice way to put it, maybe you should have

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had this conversation with him at some point
in the nine fucking months before your child

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was born. And there's a scene near the beginning
when Noah's talking to the rock dude, it keeps

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cutting back and forth from the rock dude's
face to Noah's, but every time it cuts back

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to Noah it's closer to his face, but instead
of putting the camera closer or even using

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the zoom on the lens, they decided to go the
easy way and just use fucking digital post

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production zoom. Like they seriously fucking
cropped it. And each time it cuts back to

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his face you see more and more pixels. Like
what the fuck, aren't you supposed to be a

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professional? Well it was at least exciting
to see the outcome of what this movie would

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be, but about five minutes into the movie
when I was absolutely sure, all of a sudden

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the idea of finishing the movie seemed like
kind of a chore, and a chore it was. Yes,

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parts of the movie were so bad that they were
hilarious, Anthony Hopkins putting that kid

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to sleep by blowing on his face will be funny
to me for quite some time, but it's just not

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worth it to sit through the whole movie just
to laugh at a couple points. The majority

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of the dialogue could have been replaced by
random gibberish and it would have had just

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as much purpose in the film. For whatever
reason Aronofsky just decided to make a really

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shitty movie, and sadly it's probably going
to be his most financially successful movie

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yet. Anyway, if you trust me on anything,
trust me when I say you do not need to see

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this movie. This one's getting a five out
of ten.

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Subtitles by Steven Smith (blha303/suudo)