[YMS] Okay, fun's over. So if you're one of those people like me who saw the trailer and thought
"Hm, that's weird, it kinda looks like a piece of shit" but still wanted to see the movie
just because it's Darren Aronofsky, all the while hoping the trailer was just a way to
trick the religious crowd into seeing the movie, and that secretly there was a movie
worth watching that wasn't the same garbage you've already seen a million times before,
well, wonder no more because the movie was slightly worse than the trailer. I mean, you're
already working with a flawed story to begin with; what happened to the kangaroos? Where
do black people come from? And despite them making a lot of changes to the original story,
it didn't really do them any good. Like, why is the grandfather a wizard? Anthony Hopkins
had magical powers and I had first assumed that they were kinda like God powers, like
God loves him so much that every time he really wants to do something God's just allowing
it and just doing a little magic trick for him. At one point he puts a child to sleep
by blowing on his face, possibly the funniest point in the whole movie, then later he touches
Emma Watson's previously infertile belly, making her instantly able to have children
and also extremely horny. Like she was in the middle of looking for somebody but she
completely fucking dropped that and decided to have sex with her boyfriend, and then later
in the movie when Noah finds out he gets super fucking pissed. No, not because they had sex,
but because she is no longer infertile. He's like "God made you infertile, so now that
you're fertile, then you're going against God." I don't really feel bad about spoiling
this movie cos it's a giant piece of shit, but here's my spoiler alert anyway. Giving
you like two more seconds, go, God. He gets so pissed off that she's having children that
he vows to murder the child as soon as it's born, but only if it's a girl, and they really
really did not do a good job of explaining why that's the case. "You're going against
God by having children because you were previously infertile, now I gotta murder your child,
but if it's a boy I don't really care." So does that mean the grandfather's a wizard
whose magic operates completely independent of God? Because there's no way that he could
possibly believe that it was against God's will if God was the one doing the magic from
grandfather anyway. This movie does not make any fucking sense. There were a couple things
that I did enjoy about the movie. There are some really cool timelapse scenes that I enjoyed,
and during one of them Clint Mansell did a fantastic job with the score, but this movie
has way too much weighing it down. Like, during the last timelapse scene in the movie for
whatever reason it decided to show evolution, like it showed the typical fish-to-lizard-out-of-the-ocean
etcetera, and then as soon as it hit primates it just stopped. Like, sorry we're not allowed
to show you any further. And that scene served no purpose so I have no clue why he decided
to put that in the movie, because aren't you then alienating the people that might actually
enjoy the movie? Like who the fuck is this movie even for? They also included giant rock
creatures that helped Noah build the ark. Oookay. Most of the conflict in the movie
was not only extremely forced but easily preventable. Like all of a sudden somebody's angry and
it's really difficult to understand why. Not only that but the threat of the main villain
and his army wouldn't even fucking exist if Noah flat-out just didn't fucking tell him
that the flood was going to happen. The guy thought you were building a fortress and you
told him "No, it's a boat, this is the flood and I'm gonna be the one that lives and not
you, nyah nyah." Hey Noah you fucking hypocrite, what's that you're flipping your shit over,
doing shit against God's will, oh my god, God didn't intend that. So Emma Watson's not
allowed to use the grandfather wizard powers so she can become fertile and have children,
and maybe y'know repopulate the entire fucking planet through incest like you're supposed
to, but you see no issue with warning the head honcho of bad guys that there's going
to be a fucking great flood? Did God tell you to do that? Cos God had the opportunity to tell
him too and you know what, he fucking didn't. How the fuck did the bad guy get in the ship?
Like there was just a quick shot of him falling into it but I don't know where the fuck that
was. So you've got Mr Stereotype Bad Guy on the ship and Noah's son helps him survive,
and they're still on the ship about nine months later, because Emma Watson winds up giving
birth on the ship before the end of it, and holy shit she does not act like the baby weighs
anything at all. Seriously it's like she had a fucking balloon under her shirt. So the
bad guy picks a really convenient day to strike, they have a shitty close shot fight scene,
and this whole time this guy's like "I'm not afraid of miracles, haha, fuck you God," like
clearly this guy does not understand how miracles work; and wow, the boat conveniently crashes
in a way that turns out to be in Noah's favour. Thanks for the miracle, God. I mean it would
have been extremely easy for him to die when he was climbing into the boat in the first
place, but let's just pretend that this God character not only rigs the outcome, but is
also extremely concerned about making a stereotypical narrative. Like why would I kill him when
it makes the most sense if they don't get to have a fight scene by the end of it? There
was nothing exceptional about this movie and quite a lot of it was pretty fucking bad.
Like holy shit those font choices were terrible. It's like if someone did a low-budget parody
of Lord of the Rings. All of the CG was pretty fucking unconvincing; like yeah obviously
all of the animals are going to be CG, but why did you feel the need to computer animate
the fucking baby? "Oh no, I feel so scared for this computer animated baby right now."
Literally he goes up to her to kill it and then he's like "Changed my mind, it's cute."
And then later Emma Watson's talking about it nonchalantly like "You know what, God trusted
you with the choice to do it, and it wasn't something that he expected you to do, he just
wanted you to make the choice." Well that's a nice way to put it, maybe you should have
had this conversation with him at some point in the nine fucking months before your child
was born. And there's a scene near the beginning when Noah's talking to the rock dude, it keeps
cutting back and forth from the rock dude's face to Noah's, but every time it cuts back
to Noah it's closer to his face, but instead of putting the camera closer or even using
the zoom on the lens, they decided to go the easy way and just use fucking digital post
production zoom. Like they seriously fucking cropped it. And each time it cuts back to
his face you see more and more pixels. Like what the fuck, aren't you supposed to be a
professional? Well it was at least exciting to see the outcome of what this movie would
be, but about five minutes into the movie when I was absolutely sure, all of a sudden
the idea of finishing the movie seemed like kind of a chore, and a chore it was. Yes,
parts of the movie were so bad that they were hilarious, Anthony Hopkins putting that kid
to sleep by blowing on his face will be funny to me for quite some time, but it's just not
worth it to sit through the whole movie just to laugh at a couple points. The majority
of the dialogue could have been replaced by random gibberish and it would have had just
as much purpose in the film. For whatever reason Aronofsky just decided to make a really
shitty movie, and sadly it's probably going to be his most financially successful movie
yet. Anyway, if you trust me on anything, trust me when I say you do not need to see
this movie. This one's getting a five out of ten.
Subtitles by Steven Smith (blha303/suudo)